Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I Have a Boyfriend in the UK"

The swing dance renaissance of the late 90’s brought out the best of my generation and provided us with arguably the best times we were ever going to have in our lives. Men were dressing in suits and women were dressing in dresses. People cared about what they looked like, not in a slutty, going-to-the-meat market sort of way, but more in a “how close can I get to look like Cary Gran/Audrey Hepburn” sort of way. It often reminded me of a theory I had that if the architecture in a city looked better then the people would be happier as it gave them something visually pleasing to look at. And the way the masses dressed I theorized would be no different and thus if the people would dress better then the masses would be happier. But if there was one thing to look at in the entire swing dance scene and something that would certainly make the men happier as it would be visually pleasing to look at, one had to go no further than the illustrious and moxified Jennifer Fondulac.

Jennifer Fondulac was every guy’s dream come true. She was a short, petite redhead whose specialty was not just fashion, but retro fashion. She would regale the men in the swing scene with beautiful 1950’s dresses, heels that were so classy they would put most of the Fredrick’s of Hollywood line to shame, and that classic 1950’s style of hair and make up. She was a naughty June Cleaver with a masters degree and her own company. She was, in the simplest terms, heavenly.

Fortunately for me I was one of the best swing dancers which invariably meant I got to not only dance with this heavenly creature, but I got to know her as well. She invited me over to a couple parties and soon, after enough conversation, she invited me out for a ride on her little moped. Sure enough, I showed up, and there she was on her vintage Vespa, pigtails coming out of her helmet and all. She took me for a joy ride through St. Paul and I dared to think that maybe, just maybe I should ask her out.

Of course in retrospect I was well within my rights to ask her out. We had danced, we were roughly on par with one another in terms of looks. Same intelligence level and she had invited me to not just parties, but now a one on one outing where she was giving me a ride on her moped. And so with great confidence that I was soon to be courting this hot red-headed number I asked her on a date. To which she responded,

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I have a boyfriend.”

I was shocked. Never before in the past 4 months of me knowing her had I seen nor heard of a boyfriend. And given she had a passion for dancing, I figured he must have been on the swing dance scene as well. Completely confused as to his whereabouts I said,

“You have a boyfriend? Well where the hell has he been? I’ve never seen you with a guy before.”

And then the jaw-dropping moment came that would knock Jennifer from a heavenly, naughty, June Cleaver with red hair and a moped to just another childish, middle-schoolish girl,

“Well he lives in the UK.”

A face that can only be described as the Shrek-Donkey face when they see the Doluc welcome song took to my face.



Here was NOT a 13 year old child, but a 25 year old “woman” who “had a boyfriend in the UK.” I thought women left this childish crap back in middle school.

Now the reason I bring this up is that not only do I need to establish a historical record of what I had gone through during my twenties so you all know why your beloved Captain came out the way he did, and not only have I heard of this excuse being used more and more by older and older girls/women and therefore find it necessary to discuss it, but there are no doubt millions of young, middle school/high school boys where it is a ritual that they have to tolerate this vapid crap and are left even more confused than they already were (which was already an unacceptable amount of confusion anyway). Ergo let me explain;

1. That’s precisely what the “I have a boyfriend in Chile/UK/Russia” line is; vapid crap. There is no line or logic to it. If you get this excuse it’s because the girl doesn’t really want to have a boyfriend, but just likes to have the “status” of having a boyfriend.

2. I don’t know if it’s because girls are afraid of intimacy or what the specific reason is why girls resort to this, but you can see the inanity of it regardless when you ask the natural follow up question of “how often do you see him?” This is the logical question in that half, if not 90% of the point of having a boy/girlfriend is the kissings and the snugglings and (presuming you’re old enough) the sexings. The inanity is proved when they almost always say, “every 6 months he flies over for 2 weeks, but (are you ready for the eye-roller?) WE E-MAIL EVERY NIGHT," as if that has now validated this pointless relationship. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it is key to understand you don’t have to concern yourself with making heads or tails of it. All you have to do is realize that you ARE dealing with a little girl and is probably somebody you don’t want to go out with anyway.

3. I can understand younger girls (such as middle school or even freshmen in high school) doing this in that they are LITTLE GIRLS and prone to playing with Barbie Dolls and make-believe and living in lala land. But good lord and all that is Godiva Chocolates and fat wiener dogs, women who ARE IN THEIR 20’s???????? Now as I said before, this was quite some time ago when I ran into the 25 year old, but I’m hearing this as a more common event.

Thus, for all the Cappy Cap women out there, could some of you please explain to me what the heck is going on? In the meantime could we all make it a law or something this excuse is never used upon graduating from the 8th grade?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this timely post. You made my day.

amcz said...

The response is to ask, "What part?"

If she says something besides London, she might be telling the truth.

Anonymous said...

OH GOD THIS HAPPENED TO ME LAST DECEMBER.

Anonymous said...

Except it was not UK... it was like California or something. But still... Come on.

Anonymous said...

Like what the Hell... Screw that instant messaging crap.

Hot Sam said...

You really have to finish this second book on relationships.

Feminists are fond of saying, "What part of 'No' don't you understand?"

In my entire life, I've heard the reply 'No' only one time when asking a woman out for a date. She said, "No thanks, I'm not interested." It was the most mature and kindest rejection I ever had.

One woman actually said, "I can't. I'm having dinner with my grandma." Somehow, I knew immediately she'd be having dinner with grandma every day next week too.

About ten women enthusiastically said 'yes', but then stood me up for a variety of bad reasons. I never got a rain check.

Here's an interesting story:

I met a young lady who worked at an Air Force Base. I had had long conversations with her before so one Saturday afternoon I decided to ask her out. She responded, "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. He's a Navy SEAL and he's home on leave."

I was ok with that. That's almost a 'No.'

The following Tuesday, I was talking with one of my college classmates named Lisette. She was gorgeous, and I finally mustered the courage to ask her out on a date.

She said, "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. He's a Navy SEAL and he's home on leave."

I swear to God the words were exactly the same. I thought, "What the hell is this? Do all women in Denver have the same secret code excuse?"

Out of morbid curiosity, I asked her, "Do you know a girl named Trish?" Her face turned as white as paper.

Lisette, Trish, and this guy all went to high school together and had some 'history' of relationship conflicts.

He really was a Navy SEAL and he was dating both girls at the same time. By the strangest of coincidences, I had asked out both of his girlfriends within three days who I had met in two entirely different places.

Lisette was quite upset to say the least. Nevertheless, she wouldn't dump him and go out with me. I did, however, end up dating Trish several months later. It didn't last long though.

That's me: Mr. One in a Million.

Captain Capitalism said...

Heck, you should write a couple chapters!

Anonymous said...

Dunno Cap,

Some ladies might actually be loyal to someone who is out of sight/finishing their education overseas (other side of country)/ has just moved/ insert valid excuse...

Long Distance Relationships stink, but can be worth the hassle the goal is kept in mind.

Anonymous said...

Lez be friends.

Bill Gilles said...

Women are natural enemies, thus they can only be friends with guys, but guys want the sexxing.

My boyfriend in timbuktu grants me the woman a defense against your guy sexxing but also gives me the woman companionship I crave since you will no doubt do all the fun dating/relationship stuff with me hoping to get the sexxing.

This character is the true female counter-part to the chauvinist male player.

MTGirl said...

Captain,

Maybe the woman just enjoyed your company without being interested in your whoo-ha. Maybe she did have the boyfriend, or maybe she was a lesbian, but either way, it sounds like this gal really enjoyed dancing with you and talking with you, but didn't feel like any helmet hiding.

There is still a conundrum in the sexes in that some women feel much more comfortable in the company of men (I'm one of those for sure. Given the choice of almost any woman and a 45 year old bachelor who likes to talk about guns, I will end up learning quite a bit about rifling patterns and/or trigger assemblies).

However, men hate to talk to women (as near as I can tell) and only do it in the hope that the hokey mini-smokey pokey will be happening in the near future. So, lots of women get caught in the situation where men are great fun to hang around with, but you know if you ever let them know that your not interested in mattress testing and/or kitchen table polishing they'll dump you like a hot rock and no more funny stories about jager and mexican discos.

You try to avoid a situation where the conversation will come up (although I'll admit that unless you expressed an interest in buying a moped, the gal in the story did seem to be indicating an interest in more alone time with you), but you know eventually the hitting on and the turning down will happen. And, for some reason, guys don't ever buy the truthful reason that, you know, I really just don't feel like any dick right now. Had some last week, kind of stuck with me, might be a couple months before I get another craving, but I know it's bad for me (massive weight gain followed by a bowling ball ripping it's way out of your bits is pretty bad for a person, you have to admit), so I try to avoid it anyway. Thanks though.

Anyway, since guys always seem to think the "I'm trying to quit, thanks" is a lie, maybe the out-of-town-boyfriend was her alternative. Maybe she was trying to be tactful and let you know that you certainly look like a hot little piece of man stuff, and given another life/time she would have chained you to the wall and climbed you like the matterhorn, but in this (possibly lesbian) lifetime, no thanks. It's not you, it's me.

Either way, hope you enjoyed the dancing enough to make up for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow turning out to be in Euro dollars.

Mrs. Bob said...

I have a reply but it was so long that instead of boring your readers with it here is a link instead.

grerp said...

When I lived abroad I was in a sort of long distance relationship I used as cover because, basically, I couldn't handle dating Russian men in addition to 1) moving across the world, 2) starting a new job, and 3) leaving behind everyone and everything that was familiar. It was an effective way to opt out and, ostensibly wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, and also it was sorta true (in my mind). It also worked - though not very well - as a buffet against loneliness.